Predator for girls
Every twice in awhile I witness a confused young lady dying inside while she listens to her boyfriend / husband / male “friend” futilely explain why the movie Predator is actually “really good” and somehow cinematically important. Sometime soon - maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of the longest hour of your life, this will be you. In today's article you'll learn all you need to know in order to fake like you've seen Predator and then quickly change the subject.
FIRST THINGS FIRST
Predator is not really good. Predator is great! If there was an Arnold Schwarzenegger Olympics held between the release of The Terminator and Terminator 2, Predator would easily win gold and share the podium with its lesser (yet worthy) comrades, Commando and The Running Man.
That being said, there is no reason at all that you should have to watch this movie. Nor should you be forced to listen to your boyfriend or whatever talk about it endlessly. But these situations can be harder to avoid than you might think -- almost as hard as avoiding a punishing laser blast from the Predator's shoulder-mounted laser blaster! (such a great movie!!!). Follow closely then:
The first thing you need to know about Predator is that it is not Alien Vs. Predator. Saying that you've seen Alien Vs. Predator (which is, sadly, more likely) will not get you out of seeing Predator -- in fact, it will only make your situation worse:
Him: YOU HAVEN'T SEEN PREDATOR???
You: I've seen... Alien Vs. Predator?
Him: Well... did you like it?
You: No.
Him: I know, it kinda sucks without the, uh, context of the original which we should TOTALLY WATCH TONIGHT. I will DVR the Grey's Anatomy season finale for you.
You: (screwed)
Him: YOU HAVEN'T SEEN PREDATOR???
You: Uh, I've seen... AVP? 2? (note the attempt to use the studio's "abbreviated title" to gain authenticity. do not do this. it can only work against you.)
Him: Sweet! Did you like it? (he already thinks you liked it, since you used the abbreviation)
You: I guess it was--
Him: AWESOME! THE ORIGINAL IS 30X TIMES BETTER! We'll just watch "Love Actually" tomorrow -- remember we can keep these Netflix as long as we want!
Ok. So. Predator. First,
THE PLAYERS
1. Arnold Schwarzenegger
2. Jesse Ventura
3. The Guy Who Played Apollo Creed
4. Big Indian (native american) Dude
5, 6. Two Other White Dudes
versus
7. A Big Alien With Dreadlocks
1. Leave the party early to
2. Go to I Luv Video where
3. You thumb idly through the Staff Picks in your heels while
4. Your boyfriend tries to remember who directed Predator until
5. He realizes that movies like Predator aren't organized by director and then
6. Stands paralyzed between the Drama and Action sections
THE PLOT
It is a dark and sweaty 1987 in the jungles of some unfriendly South American country. A team of army guys led by Schwarzenegger head into the bush to rescue some other army guys, but they end up getting hunted down for sport by the Predator, an invisible alien with dreadlocks. He's not TOTALLY invisible (how would we know about his dreadlocks?); he's got a special alien suit that bends light so that he looks sort of like a man-shaped jellyfish. But when he turns it off (or falls into a lake) he's a big scaly humanoid wearing a bunch of fishnet, a wicked cool mask and long, luscious dreads.
After about an hour and a half he has hunted down, skinned and taken the skulls of everyone but Arnold, who he then beats the everloving crap out of for daring to survive for ninety minutes. But Arnold is wily! He lures Predator into a boy-scout booby trap he set up in a previous Setting Up Booby Traps montage, mortally wounding him.
This makes the alien very cranky! He cheers himself up by activating his personal self-destruct device, but Arnold runs away so fast and dives so fucking hard off-screen that he is able to avoid being incinerated by an explosion that creates a mushroom cloud visible several miles away. Seeing the blast from a helicopter hovering just outside the jungle (where it waits to rescue Arnold), the pilot appropriately exclaims, "My God!" -- as in My God, that movie fuckin rocked.
THE SKINNY
If you are caught daydreaming and you snap out of it to see a bunch of people staring at you, and you realize that one of them has just asked you if you ever saw "Predator", don't panic. Just look them dead in the eye and, in your best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice, say, "If it bleeds, we can kill it". If you're not confident enough in your Arnoldese yet, just put on a gravelly voice and say, "I ain't got TIME to bleed." Either one of these quotes will more than reassure everyone that you are cool, and then you can go back to thinking about whatever was so goddamn important.SHOULD THE WORST HAPPEN
All in all this movie is fairly restrained -- skinned bodies are never shown for more than a split second, and the majority of gore is kept off screen. If you end up having to watch it you will live, and you won't lose too much respect for the person who made you sit through it. Plus, you can easily knit, paint your toenails, text your friends -- even take a short nap -- and just glance at the screen whenever he nudges you and says “this is the best part!” which will be roughly every twenty minutes.IF YOU REALLY MUST KNOW
Q. Why is there a big dreadlocked alien in the jungle in the first place?
A. I dunno, vacation? More information is made available in Predator 2, but no one can possibly expect you to have seen that movie.
Q. What IS the actor's name who plays Apollo Creed?
A. Carl Weathers. You have been warned.
RATINGS
MPAA: Rated RAwesomeness (scale of 1 - 10): 7.5
IGST (Importance / Grand Scheme of Things, scale of 1 - 5): 2 (You don't need to see, but it won't kill you to. OR WILL IT??!!!).
3 Comments:
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I had no idea what I was missing. I was unprepared for the nuances that you imparted in this posting. Thanks :)
shouldn't there be some mention of the "sexual tyrannosaur" in this posting (no doubt Jesse Ventura's greatest accomplishment - political career included)? overall a worthy dissertation though.
I am e-mailing this to my wife who claims to not like fantasy because it's not real. She loves SVU. I do too, but I don't understand why she can't meet me half way. She won't even watch Star Wars. Or Empire. We watched 'Alien' together. I was frozen by the suspense. She reacted with a "Meh". There is no God.