Year-end Wrap-up
As another amusing orbit around my seventeenth favorite sun draws to a close, allow me to demonstrate my laser-sharp insight by briefly responding to some unanswered queries of the past year:
Crying
Q: “why do boys not cry at movies? are they heartless and [un]emotional? i went to see where the wild things are this weekend with my honey. and i cried at the end. he laughed at me. please explain.”
Boys’ tears are comprised of one part saline to ten parts concentrated battery acid. Thusly, crying during a movie may cause serious and possibly permanent damage to their genitals, without which they would only be able to think during mealtimes. This would cause you serious social embarrassment, and don’t you suffer enough already? In conclusion, they do it for you, so try and return the favor by keeping the waterworks to a minimum except during movies about baseball or movies involving father-son reconciliation.
Judd Apatow
Q: “Why do guys think ‘Superbad’ is funny? It’s not funny. And why is it not funny?”
Oh boy, am I gonna get some mail about this one. But I didn’t take this job to make friends: I took it to get laid.
If it were just one cranky lady asking this question, I could safely skip it and avoid the inevitable torch-and-pitchfork backlash that will ensue. However, while some highly evolved females do appreciate ‘Superbad’, ‘Knocked Up’ and ‘The 40 Year Old Virgin’, many just-as-advanced women do not, and even among those who do, many just pretend to like it as much as their boyfriends do (because they know how wearying these arguments can be).
As much as I am loath to admit it, this question has in large part been answered -- in song form, no less -- in this video. I can’t actually endorse this because it is not funny, but it’s pretty much spot on.
However, if you find it hard to stomach videos that are only amusing to the people you didn’t like in college, then I will provide a more scientific answer. Summarized below are the major aspects of these movies that men like, along with the physiological effects that they have on the male anatomy:
- Dorks get to bork hot chicks who are way out of their league just by “being themselves”, even if being themselves means having to become someone better and cooler than themselves in an unlikely coming-of-age transformation. This floods the male viewer’s body with a hormone called thatcouldbemesterone.
- The words ‘fuck’, ‘cock’ and ‘pussy’ are used way more than we are allowed to use them, and often times right in the faces of authority figures like teachers, policemen and managers -- the same people that we cowardly shrink from in real life! A substance called vicariousin is released.
- Characters say and do things that are wildly offensive, but since they zing every race, religion, age and sexual orientation equally it balances out! Right? And as the inappropriatrophine enters the bloodstream, it paves the way for the full appreciation of the newest and most hilarious innovation in moviemaking since the banana-peel:
- Male Full-Frontal Nudity.
Self-sufficiency
Q: I’ve managed to avoid watching [insert one of the greatest movies of the 20th century here] all by myself, thank you. What do I need your help for?
May I remind you that I offer to help you avoid objects of male enjoyment as a last resort? If that’s what it takes, then so be it. But it makes me quite cranky to give you defensive strategies when there is so much to be gained by pretending to succumb. For example, let me quote from an article that of one of my predecessors, Crabby Alien, recorded as the new year approached in 1974:
1974-12-20 17:34:12
Sophisticated mommas of dirt-world 5214-b:
When I first began studying your species, I immediately observed a fascinating human feature: your gonads are hilarious. Perhaps this will be the subject of a future article, but I just wanted to bring it up.
More apropos of the matter at hand, it became readily apparent that while you foxy ladies nourish yourself on hydro-oxygen and carbon-based foodstuffs, your fellas subsist mainly on a small diet of “being right”. This is an addictive substance which imparts a feeling of satisfaction not unlike your crude terran nose candy; consequently you guard it shrewdly and dole it out only in very small amounts on holidays and other special occasions.
What you may not know is that like any other rich food product, consuming too much can cause an overdose with a subsequent avoidance pattern. Translated for your primitive meat brains, this means: if you watch The Godfather: Part II and at least pretend that it is far out, he may experience an “I told you so” so powerful that he never, ever wants to be right again. Surely this is worth two “Dy-no-mite!” hours of your life.
Transmission ended.
Happy Not-Chinese-Vietnamese-Or-Jewish New Year, barbarians!
Earth Smootches,
Cranky Alien
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