Summer Block-Smashers! for girls

Gentleladies! Did you know that where I come from there is at least one holiday each and every week? Granted, our weeks are roughly equivalent to ten Earth-years. But even still I was amazed when I first arrived here to find that your ever-expanding summer season was nearly devoid of Holidays (saving ones celebrating xenophobic genocide). That is, I was amazed until I realized that your entire summer was one non-stop holiday called the Season of Blockbusters!

Suddenly my laptop was transformed into a viewing portal with only one purpose: watching trailers of movies that were coming so soon and so f-ing hard that they made my pupils contract to pinpoints and my hidden third antenna throb. Then like a mighty smack from the hammer of Thor, it hit me:

I was going to want to see them ALL!

But my girlfriend was going to want to seem them NONE!

Well, maybe one or two (or three--but only because she's a sucker for handsome baldies with superpowers--there are so few of us).

Now, having had centuries of practice, she and I will have no problem reaching a compromise in which I give her everything she wants. But since I can guarantee no such bliss for you, dear reader, let me explain why boys want to see these catastrophically dumb movies, how to survive watching one, and what you might get out of humoring them a little.

Now let us be clear: when it comes to the question “Hey honey, want to see the midnight sneak-preview of Conan the Barbarian!” I don’t expect you to ever look like this:

That’s aiming a little high. Let’s just try to go from this:

to this

And so to begin--drumroll please!--I present to you what is by far the star of this year’s Brick-Cracker season:

<INSERT COMIC BOOK MOVIE HERE>

It honestly doesn’t matter which one. Weighing in at $720 million of the approximately $1.7 billion dropped on this year’s Stone-Breaker budgets, the Comic BM is King!

Many Earth-moons ago, American comic books were created to provide a stepping stone to the modern graphic novels created by my beloved Japanese. Despite knowing almost no one who has read them (much less collected them), I have found that most males have an astonishingly semi-accurate knowledge of the complicated plots and characters in these publications. In this regard, comic books are much like Sex and the City: despite claiming to have never watched the show, men still seem to know all the characters and who they’re fucking.

My father, Grumpy Alien, dislikes these movies because he doesn’t find characters in costumes believable*. But the man-boy who views these (virtually) eye-blasting movies is not in it for the costumes. He’s in it for the (literal) EYE-BLASTING! That’s right, we’re talking about blasts that come not from a puny “gun” but from somebody’s friggin’ peepers. Why’s that so cool? Well, let’s compare these two questions:

• “What would you do if you had a gun?”
• “What would you do if you could shoot goddamn laser beams from your eyes?”

Now, judging from the males I’ve met on this planet, the answer to both of those questions is the same: they would end up breaking something that you like and making you consider getting back together with your ex. But what’s even worse is that the second question could spur an hours-long “philosophical” discussion about the relative benefits of different superpowers, causing you to miss the latest Dancing With the Stars, and don’t think I’m gonna keep my mouth shut about who got kicked off this week just because you can’t listen to my very simple advice which is this:

He: “What would you do if you could shoot goddamn laser beams from your eyes?”
You: “What wouldn’t I do! Sub-question: isn’t it happy hour somewhere?”

* It concerns me that this is his point of contention, rather than the fact that the characters can shoot laser beams from their eyes. Oh, wait--he can do that too. Never mind.

What to expect

So, here’s what to expect if you go to one of these movies:

• Your boyfriend will make comments before, after and, god help you, during the movie about how well the characters and plot adhere to or diverge from the comic book, despite probably knowing fuck-all what he’s talking about.
• You may be dropped into the middle of the plot and forced to piece things together through flash-backs, flash-forwardses and flash-sideseses. This makes it harder to detect plot holes and leaves lots of space for next year’s prequels, sequels or sidesquels.
• Nothing will make sense.

Don’t look at me, I go purely for the research. I’m studying how much awesome I can take before I explode.

What to do

Ignore the eye-blasting, and focus on the costumes. Easy. Mental notes about which ones might make good Halloween costumes. Never too early to start thinking about Halloween! Man, last year’s was so great. You got so wasted you woke up wearing someone else’s costume! That was hilarious. Oh man, speaking of hilarious, wasn’t that trailer for Bridesmaids that they showed before this movie just the funni--what, the movie’s over already?! That wasn’t so bad at all! Easy.

The payoff

Ok, so you sat patiently (on the edge of your seat!) through Thor (in 3D!). You were transported into an amazing magical realm composed of the four greatest things in life: mythical warriors, ripped abs, Natalie Portman and explosions. As if that’s not its own reward, there’s more! As a special gift to you for being such a good sport, your man will now be obliged to give you something. What is it? Are you ready for a surprise? Click here to see just a sample of what you can demand! For the rest of the summer!

Oh, are you on a mobile device that can't see Flash movies? You should say something like, "I saw Thor. Now get me a mobile device that can play Flash movies."

You’re welcome!

See you at the premier of “Captain America!”

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