Halo
There are women who really, really think that men sit around and talk about their dicks. Ladies, this does not happen. And if it did, the conversation would go something like this:
Guy I: My penis is average size.
Guy II: My penis is also average size.
Guy I: ...
Guy II: ...
Guy II: Wanna play Halo?
Guy I: <sigh of relief>
There's not a lot I can do for you here, girls. You're not going to play, and he doesn't really want you to anyway. But can't we all just get along? Will you let me be your guide through the journey towards understanding the greatest XBOX game of all time until Halo 3?
Let us, then, begin with one of the principle appeals of Halo: its use as a tonic.
Relief
Halo allows a man to take refuge from the real world — a harsh place full of talking and feeling — into a warm, billowy pretend world of running, jumping and killing (not to mention sniping).
Perhaps an analogy will be illuminating. In a knitting circle, women share a common activity (knitting), relax (drinking) and talk (bitching). Halo is simply a knitting circle of death where there is no talking and, oddly enough, little or no drinking. If you take your hand off the controller to throw back a beer, you could get smoked! Of course, you can pause the game and drink as much as you want if you're playing by yourself, but in that case you might as well just go ahead and masturbate. That's a game you always win.
Comraderie
No talking, you say? Then how come my boyfriend has been sitting in the basement for three hours with a headset on, shouting into the air?
Ah, the headset. Yes, the headset has a microphone, and it is placed near the mouth, and sounds come out of the mouth into the microphone and fly through the air and blare out of another headset miles (blocks? yards?) away. You may even recognize some of these sounds as English words:
- "shit!"
- "fuck!"
- "fucker!"
- "fuck you!"
- "oh, snap!"
- "motherfffffucker!"
- "ayooooohhh!"
- "ahuuuhhhh yer dead!"
Decide for yourself whether this is talking or not.
Buying a Halo headset is a man's way of announcing to you that he's taken himself out of the running for Boyfriend of the Year. Maybe next year!
Alone Time
friend_of_crankyalien:: yeah, you know what always drove me crazy about that guy j– i dated who played halo?
crankyalien: that guy was an idiot.
friend_of_crankyalien:: he'd never be able to answer the phone or do anything while the game was going on, haha. he'd pick up the phone and be like. i'm playing halo...i'll call you when it's done
friend_of_crankyalien:: and then i'd have to wait until the freaking game was over before he could move again enough to call me back
crankyalien: and if he called during knitting time?
friend_of_crankyalien:: screw that. i'd call his ass back later
Engagement
Whoa whoa whoa, sister. Not that type of engagement. Not now. He's playing Halo. Maybe if you understood things like Halo more, he'd marry you. Doesn't that sound like a reasonable exchange? Do you want the inside track? Do you need the extra piece of piercing insight into his mind? I will help you. Come closer. Ssssshhhh I will tell you a secret:
HALO IS FUN AS SHIT
Play
Why does he play for two hours straight? Well, what's the big f-ing deal? You watched Titanic how many times? And he watched it with you (at least that first time). That's three or so hours of movie, and maybe it's fairly engrossing, but wouldn't it have been more spellbinding if you were in the movie? What? You didn't realize Halo had a rich and complicated plot which only grows and blossoms over the next 2 sequels? I'm sure he's tried to explain it to you at least twenty times. You need to be more of a listener and less of a scowler.
Replay
Now imagine you've seen the movie already and you're watching it again. You'd pick up on all sorts of nuances and details that you missed the first time, right? Plus you'd know what all your favorite parts were and be prepared for them so you could love them even more. So why wouldn't you play Halo again after spending 50 hours winning it the first time?
Group Play
Okay, fuck the movie. You're running around a giant playground like you're five years old again, with all your friends plus a bunch of other kids from all over, and you're playing tag and capture the flag and you can run really fast and jump really high and you can get to be invisible and play with cool toys and you never, ever get hurt. Doesn't that sound like fun? Let me put that another way: what kind of a heartless old hag would deny somebody the chance to be a kid again, even if it was only for a measly four hours straight every few days and 10 hours each weekend?
Quid Pro Quo
You want my advice? Let me put that another way: you want my advice. He wants to play, so let him play. Then use his constant Halo-ing as emotional blackmail and make him take you someplace he doesn't want to go, like TJ Maxx or something. Wait, you already do that? Well, shit. YOU write the article then. I'm gonna go warm up the Atari 2600 so I can play some goddamn Kool-Aid Man in peace.
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you really seem to know this game well for an alien. you any good at it? wait a minute... i've played you before. and by "played" i mean "mopped the alien blood soaked floor with."
don't even act like that isn't true. i'm still wearing the official crown.
i only let you win so i could practice using your primitive earthling swear words.