Navy Seals Pirate Rescue!!!
Ok, so recently an American merchant ship captain was held captive by pirates (yarr!), and if you're like me then you know every detail of his rescue by a crack team of Navy seals. Wait a second, I don't know a goddamn thing about it! Plus it happened two weeks ago, so why the fuck am I writing about it now? Ah! Because, not two days ago while discussing Predator with my dear friend C—, she changed the subject (it works!) and asked me (I'm paraphrasing here) “what's the big f-ing deal about the pirate rescue thing and why is my boyfriend still jizzing his pants over it?”
As I pondered this question, I imagined a nation of women silently wishing their boyfriends would go back to playing the XBOX instead of hogging the computer to Google "Somali Pirates Pink Mist". Would it help if I attempted to explain why this is so frightfully alluring to them? Probably not. But I can tell you enough to throw somebody a conversational bone, making it a lot easier to change the subject and just maybe never have to talk about it again.
THE SHORT ANSWER
- Pirates
- Snipers
Really, if you can get a word in edgewise when someone is holding forth about the NSPR, just say something like "Man! Three head shots!" If you follow that with, "I'll drink to that!", and then, "Actually, I could use a drink!" then you will have demonstrated your shared interest in killing pirates while simultaneously redirecting the conversation and, maybe, getting drunk in the afternoon.
Pirates
I'm not going to go into what's so great about pirates. This has already been written about extensively. What you have to realize is that it's not just that they're pirates. It's that they're for-real right NOW pirates! Ok, so they're not so much "Of The Caribbean", but "Of The Poorest Country in Africa". And ok, we're not exactly dealing with the second coming of Blackbeard here (unless Blackbeard was a desperate African with an AK-47), and maybe nobody involved is swashing any bucklers, but come on! Pirates! In 2009! Pirates! Right?
Snipers
But the real load-blower here is the involvement of Snipers. You have to understand that for many young boys grown old, the sniper is the epitome of everything G.I. Joe stands for: silent, deadly and possessing of mad skillz. Killing someone from miles away -- why, that's GOD'S work! And for so long, men were only able to experience this smiting power through paintball and Blazer Tag. But then... then... then there was Halo*. The introduction of the sniper rifle into video games was such a watershed moment in our shared history that entire articles were written about it. Do you remember your first orgasm? That's what it was like the first time your boy clicked a thumb control, maneuvered his crosshairs ever so precisely, and made an alien's head explode from 1,000 simulated meters away. Kazoom!
* If you're thinking right now about how Halo wasn't actually the first video
game to have a sniper rifle in it, then baby, you're reading the wrong article.
Seals
Now take the snipers, and make them NAVY SEAL snipers. As Emmy award winning action film producer Jerry Bruckheimer said, (and again I'm paraphrasing here), "If Zeus and Uncle Sam scooped molten lava from the pits of Hell and worked together to craft the magma into unstoppable, indestructible soldiers, then Navy Seals would eat those soldiers and still have room left to chow down on a plateful of Libyan terrorists." Now, add to that the fact that there where THREE Navy Seal snipers, shooting at EXACTLY the same time, and that ALL THREE SHOTS WERE KILL SHOTS:
(Navy Seals x 3) + (Head Shots x 3) = Awful Conversation(3 months)
Moral Ambiguity?
Do not attempt to call your boyfriend out on the slight quiver in his smile when he accidentally thinks of how three people were killed. They were Pirates! And African.
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Ah, pirates and snipers. I still don't quite get it but at least now i might be able to
get day drunk...