District 9 for girls
Seeing as you are reading this site, I must assume that you are an above-average human female who indulges in various cultural activities such as basket weaving, skeet shooting, bobbing for apples and strolling in your quaint earth-parks. However, I imagine that you still go to a local theatre at least once a month to indulge in a movie (or "talkie").
In a startling and inexplicable reversal of the normal gender roles, it seems that more often than not it is you who is allowed to choose the feature, and not your hairy, gurgling male mate. He accompanies you to films that he makes fun of while secretly liking, and forces back tears that would threaten his notions of all that is good and Man.
In exchange for this he is allowed one movie choice each quarter-year, which he invariably wastes on a low-quality-yet-awesome picture such as “Cloverfield”. Lately amongst the usual sea of rubbish which precedes one of these fine dick-flicks, there has appeared a preview which, once seen, grips the male brain by the wrinkles and won't let go; a preview which portends the coming of the best friggin’ movie since the last movie that was the best friggin’ movie; a movie called DISTRICT 9(!)(!!!)(!!!!!!).
You may have seen the trailer for this movie preceding any of the following male-marketed movies:
- all of them.
So, why? Who oh why? Why must your boyfriend and his companions stroke themselves into a frenzy over District 9 when they haven’t even finished babbling about Cloverfield? Why are they willing to travel long distances to gather around this film like it’s a flaming garbage can made of hamburgers and filled with Superbowls?
Why indeed.
ALIENS, FOR GOD’S SAKE
Pop quiz: what do Predator and Halo have in common? Yes, they are both awesome, correct. But what else? Yes. Right. Those.
Now, not being bloodthirsty creatures like men, women do not typically relish in destroying things other than male hearts. But show me one woman who will not stomp on a cockroach, and I’ll show you a woman who wants to stomp on it but is too afraid. Aliens are to men what females are to cockroaches: (wait. reverse that:) a creature that can be hunted without mercy and executed without guilt or regret. Why? Because, like the cockroach, they would do the same to us if they had the chance. And do they get that chance? Boy, do they ever. And who’s going to kill them, you? You’re too afraid to even step on a roach (unless you’re Sigourney Weaver).
ALIENS ARE BETTER THAN ROACHES
Aliens are SO much better than roaches. Like so many other things that men are prepared to kill, they come in a vast array of shapes, styles, colors and superhuman powers. There are primitive, flesh-tearing critters. Highly evolved, sentient blobs. Reptilian space voyagers who steal cable and shapeshift into doormats. And then there are the best kind: aliens that are like humans, except gross(er), stronger, faster, smarter and with infinitely better technology*. These are the best because they are the hardest to defeat, allowing for an even greater thrill of victory. These are the best because they specifically target that which is dearest to us (baby-making women), thereby allowing us to do what we love most **(saving women and making babies). These are the kind of aliens that inhabit DISTRICT 9 :) :) :) :).
* But even stripped of all their technology, they still kick ass because they can bite through metal
and swat rocket-propelled grenades out of the air.
** Besides making aliens die.
MYSTERY
How do I know that this movie will be about intelligent aliens attacking humans who then have to obtain futuristic technology to ensure the survival of the human race? I friggin’ DON’T! After the first “teaser” trailer I purposely shut my eyes, ears, antennae and mouth whenever even the faintest whiff of District Nineage floated my way, lest I learn any information about a movie that I have already decided will be the greatest movie ever. I have relied completely on hearsay from others who have also not watched the trailers, and on the name “Peter Jackson” printed at the top of the (awesome) poster, even though he is listed as a producer which we all know doesn’t necessarily mean a goddamn thing except that he’s getting paid back first. Oh, and I have also had a quick glance at the...
REVIEWS
As of this writing, DISTRICT NINE (FUCK YEAH) had a 95% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, with 61 out of 63 critics giving it the ol’ thumb up. That means two things, both of which are good for your man and not so good for you:
- Critical
- Acclaim.
THE RECKONING
Seeing as I am myself an alien, and a cranky one at that, I know that the day will come when I myself must obliterate legions of screaming meatsacks before succumbing to a glaring plothole. I suppose that I could, with my remaining time, wax philosophic about the other enticing qualities of DISSSSSSTRICT NIIIIIIIINE! -- the dusty, futuristic setting; the overtones of xenophobia, which imply the possibility of a rogue alien friend (who then turns out to be an alien spy - we call that “intrigue”); flying machines. But you don’t give a shit, and like I said, I’m not even sure any of that shit is even in the movie. So instead, let me offer you a deal on behalf of all mankind: shut up and let us yap about this movie, and we’ll go to any three of the movies with previews before Julia & Julia or Paper Heart.
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i want to set the record straight. i, a fair and lovely princess, liked cloverfield. i am pretty sure i will like district 9. but the idea of seeing it...i don't know. for me i think it will be better on the big screen, so not a renter. but usually i can match my prince charming's excitement when it comes to the silver screen. and this one, i can't. maybe just because there has been a strange shift in the tides. he is almost giddy for this movie. isn't giddiness my area? i am, after all, the princess.